Painful Realities are Spiritual Good

The snow begins lightly, then thickens.  It is so in the spiritual journey of trials.  The Lord allows them lightly at first; then they fall more heavily upon the body, mind, heart and spirit.  St. Teresa of Avila shares some of these painful realities.  She writes of them in third person in her Life as well as includes examples in The Way of Perfection and Interior Castles. 

However, sometimes one learns most of this saints' painful realities by reading books by scholars who have researched all her writings as well as that of others who knew her, in order to discover some of the actual details.  I, for one, find details helpful as encouragements in my personal spiritual journey.

At times I have been criticized for writing personally--tidbits transpiring in my life as a Catholic, a hermit, a victim soul and as a human being who is an imperfect but aspiring follower of Christ.  Much has occurred in the past three years, some of which I have touched upon in these blogs.  But I have not shared some of the recent ordeals which had me at the very door of spiritual death...or so it seemed to myself, family and friends.  And the spiritual governs and affects the body, mind and heart.

For one thing, there has been injustice and persecution from Catholics in particular.  This includes some who do not know me other than through anonymity, but most do not know me other than seeing me at Mass, daily.  Way back, the late Irish Da said that I am like one the farmer has marked, and the other chickens sense it is different and try to peck it to death.  So the farmer has to remove it and place it in a separate coup for protection.  I admit that I have not handled the persecution always with grace.  Sometimes I have wept and other times I have snapped back verbally.  I mention these situations as mostly being the ones regarding local parishioners who are detractors.  Some have been very outlandish in their attacks, garnering the ear of any new priest who passes through in order to influence him negatively toward what has become a rather visible situation.

Teresa of Avila is the first Catholic person I recognized, after the fact, in a corporeal vision other than the Virgin Mary.  This event occurred long before I converted to Catholicism.  But her writings and life, even now, prove very helpful on a personal level as well as for anyone reading this post.  She is our friend and guide, thankfully having written what is so helpful, including her personal experiences.  Recently we renewed friendship, she and I, when I happened to open a book I've had for awhile which consists of various Discalced Carmelite priests and scholars' contributions on various topics of her life.  The first I read, "Mystical Ecstasy According to St. Teresa", was immediately helpful.

"In fact, almost twenty years before St. John of the Cross made the redaction of his first work, The Spiritual Canticle, St. Teresa had already finished her Life, in which she describes with all precision and profundity the nature of mystical ecstasy.  Moreover, the reason which urged her to write the ife was the rich ecstatic experience which she had been unable to understand or interpret at the beginning of her profound spiritual crises.  Neither the reading of learned books nor her frequent discussions with theologians could satisfy her.  Only when the Lord gave her to understand the significance of her ecstatic experiences, and gave her the power to express them, did her spiritual crises cease....Her own personal experience, then, and the special help of God made it possible for St. Teresa to grasp and express what in the beginning she did not at all understand. "*

Her sharing saved me from yet more despair.  The entire book of essays remind me, also, that there will be ugliness and trials from those we would least expect: from other Catholics, from family members, from priests and religious.  The very aspects of mystical phenomenon which can emanate love, healing and peace to those all around can become the very goads with which others can torment and reject the person who never anticipated such things nor less that they would publicly occur.

In my own life, the cruelty has mostly come from priests.  Yes, it was painful that some parishioners would lie about me, tell others awful things totally fabricated, as well as to make ugly faces and even do the crazy signal about their ears and point at me when I'd walk into Mass.  Then there were those who would physically harm me when I was unable to move or speak or see, as the ecstasies last the entire period of Mass and often slightly beyond when the angels and saints continue to praise God in prayer and music beyond our temporal awareness.  (There is a reason why we should remain still and adoring for a few minutes after Mass!)

Perhaps most painful is the physical-emotional unkindness and injustice.  A tiny example: Due to disability of constant, high-level pain (for years after car accident and surgeries), I cannot sit on certain padded seats.  While hurtful it is to be disallowed all parish involvements due to the head priest not liking the ecstasy occurring and his discomfort with spiritual matters, I was also disallowed from chapel renovation committee.  It burns: I made a large financial contribution.  O happy fool?  All pews are now padded; I truly cannot sit on them without--within hours--utter, painful incapacity. 

This has been my cross for years; it is no surprise.  But the priest would not allow me to bring in a wood folding chair for quite some time.  He finally relented to my tearful pleas, but I have to carry the chair in and carry it out; he would not allow the chair to remain or be stored in either of two storage areas more easily accessible.  While he did not like the ecstasy occurring during Mass, he would not allow me to be in the confessional or the choir loft during Mass.  My doctor gave me a handicap permission so that I do not have to carry the chair across the parking lot but can park close, but still it is an ordeal for someone my age with a terrible back, to be lifting the chair in and out of the car and into the chapel and back out after Mass, back into the car.  On rare occasion a parishioner will offer to help, but it is a matter of timing if one is arriving at the exact same moment.  Well, this is a minor incident, after all.  There are by far worse.

Then, when my spiritual director interrogated me monthly for over a year on what happens in this state during Mass, and then consulted with some archbishop or other, and they decided surely I could make it stop if I tried harder, I was ordered to stand in the back of the chapel during Mass.  I tried to point out I had tried all manner of getting it to stop and consulted a doctor on the West Coast who is gifted in the paranormal, but no, the spiritual director was insistent that somehow standing would stop it.  I obeyed.  Immediately at the start of Mass, per usual, the ecstasy overtook my body, mind, heart and soul, and the body fell to the ground from a standing position.  The shoulder was injured, requiring the very painful rotator cuff surgery.  I have not been able to get health insurance for years, and on top of that injury, there were others at the hands of parishioners. 

The Diocese refuses to help pay the costs.  They did use a limited liability med pay-out that barely covered the initial doctor visits and imaging tests.  An employee, the CFO of the diocese whose salary is paid by us peons in the pews, said even that small amount was a "gift" from them.  The head priest refused to do anything to try to educate or stop people from hurting me during Mass.  My attorney, a devout Catholic, finally said to post two signs, and if people hurt me with the signs posted, to file police reports and have them arrested.  The signs have helped, but they also have been the point of yet more ridicule and persecution for my having to post them for my own protection.  The attorney said to sit in the handicap pew, and that has caused parishioners and priests to accuse me of wanting to be noticed.  There is never any end to what others think, whether or not negatively or, in some cases worse, thinking too highly and thus being awkward around me.

Anyway, this is just a smidgeon of some of what has occurred of the actual physical and mental trials that very much affected the emotions.  I started a little site online which offers some items I can make, trying to help generate some income to pay for the medical costs for the surgery.  Even doing that has brought persecution from some who think I am making light of my hermit vocation.

When St. Teresa of Avila writes that the trials can be far more painful than the consolations, she has this quite aptly and correctly stated.  Yet, the consolations do bring the person through the darkness and into a kind of strength that one did not think possible.  While now some family members do not speak to me because I remain a Catholic after the injustices and persecutions that reduced me to a heap of tears and despair, His Real Presence has lifted me beyond the sadness of their misunderstanding and the resultant isolation.  I understand why and how, and I trust that His Real Presence knows fully what He is doing.  He chooses what will stretch us the most.

I have no rancor at this point, and shortly after I returned to Mass (yes, my own spiritual director not once, but twice, directed me to not go to any Mass which caused the most dreadful state of soul imaginable to the point of death) because a former abbot stepped in to say that the direction was wrong and to return to Mass, His Real Presence gave a glorious infusion of unconditional love into my soul during a daily Mass ecstasy.  This unconditional love has helped me in ways that I would not believe had I not known how otherwise ugly my previous unwanted, sniping word thoughts could be!

Plus, now I see that there are those who love me very much, even if they are not on earth to remind me.  And, there are those on earth who are so kind and supportive, even if they are not able to tangibly show it due to the lay of the land in a parish.  But there are some who show kindness in a smile, a hug, a word of loving welcome.  And even though I cannot have the spiritual director to guide me, as he cannot go against the head priest or step in to defend or right the injustices, for I cannot be obedient to what has proven to be rather disastrous direction, he and I are on most good and loving terms as spiritual friends. 

Here again, what is written more candidly by St. Teresa and by others who have culled her writings and those of others who knew her, has been most helpful to me in these trials.  She went through painful trials at the advice and direction of priests and religious and finally concluded that they did not know, themselves, and at a certain point His Majesty (as she calls Him) or His Real Presence (as I call Him) teaches the soul, just as St. John wrote in his First Letter, that when anointed, He becomes the teacher.  St. Paul writes similarly, and yet in some ways, this takes all the more faith and in some aspects the soul may feel more humanly alone.  It is necessary, all of it.

In closing on this rather long, personal post, someone who privately wrote said sometimes what I write sounds as if I am angry.  Angry?  Well, yes, of course!  There is so much more that could be written of the horrible persecutions, misunderstandings, and downright cruelties by the ones who one would hope could be compassionate and even act as we understand Christians are to act, that it would take volumes and only result in going over the ugly and painful once again.  But perhaps the anger can also be termed as deep hurt, for it was all very hurtful; and until one can grasp that this is exactly as His Real Presence needs the soul to feel in order to comprehend what He has felt, does it then make any positive sense.  To explain that to family and friends who are not Catholic, goes beyond what they can grasp. 

Some lapsed Catholics also use the visible injustices as more reason to remain away.  My son, for example, is not speaking to me, either.  It is not a matter of my having divulged the wrongs. While I did have my handful of faithful friends who prayed and grieved with me, the injustices popped out from those who did the injustices, such as the diocese employee who was overtly rude when the hospital business office called to ensure surgery payment, only to be told that the diocese had changed their mind and would not pay.  I will yet be judged and scourged by some who read my blogs for having been this open.  I do not want anyone to go through what I've been through, but I suppose they won't.  It will be different for each body, mind, heart and soul, for we each will be trained and honed by His Real Presence according to what--well, what works!  His Real Presence knows best, always.

One could still question why His Real Presence allowed so much of the injustice to be known to others--other than He knew it would be exquisitely painful for me to endure the shame of what I love so much, the Church, to look so ridiculously cruel to one of Her own.  But it is only us humans.  Just think how Jesus felt when the High Priests and Pharisees so mistreated Him publicly--His very own temple priests, family and friends!  Anyway, on this very snowy morning, having shared how helpful are the writings of those who endured much upset and retained their faith, I suppose I am one who is enduring, as well, by the grace of His Real Presence.  He is all love--is His Real Presence--above all else.

God bless His Real Presence in all of us!

From the Inside, Looking Out

Much has to do with perspective.  When I was writing about His Real Presence as the Most Holy Trinity--Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--in the fullness of Mass, it seemed so obvious.  However, one must know that the Word of God, the Word Incarnate, is very much a part of the Trinity and thus central to the Mass and our lives, as we become incarnate beings upon conception.

Once we comprehend the Son, remaining in His Love, and grasp the Word of God expressed in the sacerdotal prayers of Jesus with the Father, as well as the resurrection and ascension Scriptures leading us to the Holy Spirit (the Paraclete), we open into the Trinity.

Sometimes it seems obvious, from comprehending from the inside out, but it is not obvious to others...not yet.  But surely now it is.  We may be able to grasp how easy it is to fragment Jesus, to diminish His Real Presence when we do not elevate our bodies, minds, hearts and spirits to the fullness of the Mass, all the Sacraments, as evidenced in each of the Three Persons of the Most Holy Trinity.  St. John of Avila writes of this in sermons.

Teresa of Avila developed intimate friendship with the Blessed Trinity, as do all the saints, to my knowledge and that of various scholars and writers of the mystical life who elucidate the understanding that comes in love, in balance, of each Person as One: Triune God.  "Now she [St. Teresa] realizes the full truth of the promise made by Our Lord, 'If any man love me, He wil keep my word and the Father will love him and We will come and make Our abode in him'  (Jn 14, 23.) 

St. Teresa herself writes:

"...by means of an intellectual vision, in which by representation of the truth in a particular way, the Most Blessed Trinity reveals itself in all three Persons.  First of all the spirit becomes enkindled and illumined as it were by a cloud of the greatest brightness.  It sees these three Persons individually, and yet by a wonderful kind of knowledge that is given to it, the soul realizes that most certainly and truly these three Persons are one substance and one Power and one Knowledge and One God Alone, so that what we hold by faith the soul may be said to grasp by sight, although nothing is seen by the eyes, either of the body or of the soul, for it is no imaginary vision.  Here All Three Persons Communicate Themselves to the soul and speak to the soul and explain to it those  words which the Gospel attributes to the Lord, namely that He and the Father and the Holy Ghost will come to dwell with the soul which loves Him and Keeps His Commandments" (Interior Castle, VII, ch. VII, p. 331).

 This comes in stages and phases and not all at once.  It is not the same for everyone but yet again, it is the same.  The nuances vary; the message is constant.  For me, from the inside looking out, it is that in our time we are somewhat out of balance.  Some emphasize the Living Word and a personal relationship with Jesus; they may be called Protestants and Evangelicals.  Some emphasize the Holy Spirit; they may be called charismatics and pentecostals. Catholics may fall into either or other categories.  How many go to Mass late and leave early, saying at least they received Jesus?  What about the Catholic charismatic renewal and those who meet to evoke the charisms?

From the inside looking out during Mass, this is what I have learned and know:  We must elevate our love and devotion of His Real Presence as realized in all the Holy Sacraments in which the Holy Trinity is in All and All in One, although distinct Persons as well.  All Sacraments are within the Mass; His Real Presence is the Holy Trinity as Each are One and Abide One with Another--and desire us to abide in Him and in Them, as One Body.  We must not fragment any One Person of the Trinity, nor emphasize one over the other, no matter how tempting this may be due to trends in society and ecclesial groups, even in the Church.

I may not be expressing this well, but understand that it is a heartfelt attempt to share what has come during the ecstasies, although the purity of them is actually rather gross at times, filtered with concerns of the intellect which resides with the will in the center of the soul. But as St. Teresa expresses, the spirit is beyond the soul, or deeper, in some way difficult to express, yet encompasses the soul.

Regardless, His Real Presence has chosen for this soul, for now to continue in this imperfect state during Mass, as ecstasy is only part of spiritual betrothal and is not spiritual matrimony.  But it is teaching this soul much about its weaknesses as well as giving the soul much to pray about and to learn of others, of His Real Presence as the Holy Trinity in each Person and as One, and the desire of His Real Presence to draw each of our souls individually and as part of the Body, to Himself forever.

God bless His Real Presence in you!  All peace on earth!

The Anointing You Receive

Let what you heard from the beginning 

remain in you.
If what you heard from the beginning 

remains in you,
then you will remain in the Son and in the Father.
And this is the promise that he made us: 

eternal life.
I write you these things about those who would deceive you.
As for you,
the anointing that you received from him 

remains in you,
so that you do not need anyone to teach you.
But his anointing teaches you about everything and is true and not false;
just as it taught you, remain in him.

[from First Letter of John, Chapter 2]

The Trinity Remains a Trinity

From a letter by St. Athanasius:

    Even when the Word takes a body from Mary, the Trinity remains a Trinity, with neither increase nor decrease. It is for ever perfect. In the Trinity we acknowledge one Godhead, and thus one God, the Father of the Word, is proclaimed in the Church.

All Peace on Earth

All peace on earth!  All PEACE on EARTH!

So much has occurred, but the bulk is not to be shared--not that it is wrong to share, but that it would take long to write and many might not find it helpful.  But much has also been accomplished in a freeing nature, of releasing the soul from that which was hindering at a temporal level.

For one thing, finally an abbey phone call brought consultation by its recent abbot, who said the direction I was receiving was wrong.  The reason for the phone call was total upheaval in the spiritual life: chaos, upset, despair and darkness.  If anyone experiences such, and one's spiritual director does not respond or help, St. Ignatius writes well on the topic of discernment of spirits in his Exercises.  Otherwise, or additionally, confer with someone on equal or better experiential status as one's spiritual director if the director is not available or responding, and if the condition continues.  Well, this is what happened, and the remedy for this soul, at least.  And what a blessing!

Back to Mass, and also there was additional information gathering on the state, the ecstasies, during Mass.  This research resulted in better assurance that it has nothing to do with trance states.  The retired abbot had said as much, as well as a noted doctor familiar with the paranormal, but even though some said they were not bothered by it, they still could not grasp, understand, or be at peace with the occurrence.  Naturally, this causes the person experiencing such, unnecessary stress.

So all peace on earth; all PEACE on EARTH!  All peace in the soul!  His Real Presence chose what He wills during Mass.  Then a book stood out in the mind, one attained a few months ago, edited by Fr. Gabriel and Fr. Thomas, Discalced Carmelite priests.  This book contains essays written by various experts on the writings of St. Teresa of Avila and cover the spiritual life as she illuminated the phases and experiences.  This is most helpful as a reminder; we always benefit by the spiritual wisdom of great mystics and by re-reading in different formats and books in different phases of our lives.  Yes, we might have read the works earlier, but to read again, filtered through others' writings, can be of great benefit, cyclically, on the journey.

The hermit life is discerned as definite.  The suffering is discerned, but it is not necessary to focus on being a victim soul or not.  It is best to love, to learn to love, and to learn to love to suffer, for while on earth we shall know earthly pain.

All peace on earth!  All PEACE on EARTH!  God bless His Real Presence in all souls!  His Real Presence, the Most Holy Trinity, creates all souls!  What a beautiful essay in the above mentioned book, expresses friendship with and in the Holy Trinity!  This is life and love in His Real Presence.  Enjoy.

Thomas, Fr. and Fr. Gabriel, O.D.C. 1963. St. Teresa of Avila: Studies in her life, doctrine and times. Westminster: The Newman Press.

A Little Thought About Misery

I have been pondering many things, among them the novel by Stephen King, titled Misery.  In it, the fiction writer Paul Sheldon is held captive by a possessive Annie Wilkes, a deranged fan of Sheldon's fiction.  In the end, Sheldon realizes in order to live, he must make one final attempt; Annie comes to a height of rage, and he fights her for his life.

Sheldon succeeds.  Later, maimed by the ordeal, his literary agent asks him if he would be willing to write a non-fiction, detailing the horror he endured some two years prior.  His agent knew it would be a best-seller; the public wants to know such details of misery.

Sometimes it seems I should write of that which would be nearly unbelievable.  Those close to me say it is unbelievable if they were not here, seeing it occur, unfold, in the sheer horror of that it truly is.  At times I think I should struggle out.  But I am out, in actuality, in reality other than the attachment that is mine alone, deep within.  That deep within is what must be severed, for all else has been taken away.  Someday perhaps I will write about what actually has occurred, from start to finish, the persecution: misery.

Later: I have noticed, often truly, that persons or groups of persons who are persecuted often end up persecuting others.  Sometimes it is the very groups of persons who they feel persecuted.  This came up when I noticed someone belonging to a group who has been persecuted by Christians--some of them--put up an image of a sacrilegious nativity.  It is a good reminder, a great lesson.

To have the heart so wounded, one would think or hope that all the anger and bitterness would have been bled out.  Blessed are they who are persecuted.  Did Jesus say so they could turn around and persecute others?  It would also seem that for anyone who has suffered in the heart, deeply enough, that there would never be a desire to ever persecute others, no matter what.

The types of persecution of which I am thinking and write, are not the niggling little things, such as people disagreeing in minor ways over details, thoughts, opinions.  The persecution in mind, is that which wounds the heart (emotions and mind) and comes from deep exclusions, judgments, and swathing assumptions--even physical injury--that literally affect the daily lives of those persecuted.

Questions on the Most Holy Trinity

A reader has asked some very good questions.  They may seem basic to some, but the more I pondered and began to suggest some reference materials to read for more precise answers, the more I realized the questioner and questions are a gift from the Divine Persons (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) encouraging me to study once again and more in depth.  The spiritual life is like a spiraling double helix, and we grow intertwined and spiraling in a direction with increased awareness and understanding.  This comes from graces at a spiritual level which can in practical means include outstanding writings to read and ponder.

The questions from the reader are as follows: Are you saying that you can approach the Trinity without Jesus? Is not Jesus our portal to the Trinity? How do you conceive of the Trinity? When you pray, who/what are you with?

The initial answer: Perhaps I will write more in depth on this topic, although my other readers understand the Trinity, so it might be redundant for them. If you have a Catechism of the Catholic Church or could borrow one from a parish, please read about the Trinity in sections 232-256 (approx.). You will find that Jesus is the Second Person of the Holy Trinity; the Father is the First Person, and the Holy Spirit is the Third Person. However, they are Three in One. All three Persons would be considered portals of prayer and interaction, yet each have more distinct functions. I can't say that any of the Persons are portals "to the Trinity," for they ARE the Trinity. 

Another good resource that is fairly complete and detailed is Msgr. Adolphe Tanquerey's The Spiritual Life: A Treatise on Ascetical and Mystical Theology. Tan publishes a paperbound copy, but online you may be able to purchase a used hardbound. The Blessed Trinity (Three Divine Persons) is detailed in sections 90-101. Specifically, when we pray, we are within the Trinity, which by grace draws us in by varying degrees dependent upon the state of our souls in any given moment. We are in prayer within the Three Divine Persons of the One Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. While brief, I hope this helps. I highly recommend the other reading, though. Every now and then I re-read from books I have here, as I feel it helps me always to keep learning. I really like Garrigou-Lagrange's writings. He has a couple volumes just on the Holy Trinity. There's much out there to read by proven theologians and makes learning more about the Faith a joy for us. 

Then, considering that yes, most of the readers with whom I am in contact privately do understand the Most Holy Trinity, some may not.  Indeed, suddenly I realized that His Real Presence is graciously offering me an opportunity here, to pick up again in another level and phase of life a renewed study of the Trinity.  Recently I've been reading the homilies of St. John of Avila, recently proclaimed Doctor of the Church, on the topic of the Holy Ghost.  But this morning I turn to the hermitage library room and pluck off the shelves, Pere Garrigou-Lagrange's The Trinity and God the Creator:  A Commentary on St. Thomas' Theological Summa, Ia, q. 27-119.

I will continue ancillary reading in books on the Holy Spirit, since personally in my own Protestant faith earlier years provided mostly learning about Jesus and God the Father.  I thank the questioner, for this is providing me with the next foci of personal learning and growth as well as perhaps some assistance to readers who may not have easy access to some of the books or time for studying the topic.  I will share, hopefully, simply and warmly, as between personable seekers of God, rather than in a scholarly tone.  I personally prefer personable!

These few words from The Catechism of the Catholic Church (while there is much more others may read on their own), are what I will ponder this morning while doing some hermitage tasks:

"The Faith of all Christians rests on the Trinity;" and, "The whole history of salvation is identical with the history of the way and the means by which the one true God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, reveals himself to men 'and reconciles and unites with himself those who turn away from sin.'"  [232; 234]