Saturday, October 22, 2011

Identity in His Real Presence

Am at a point now of being asked to have my identity in His Real Presence (the Trinity, the Three Persons as One).  This means identity in the Trinity--in All God--and not in anything else, such as my identity in the church.

By this, one means the temporal aspects of church in which it is far too easy to develop our identity within the activities, even in attendance in Mass and participation in confession.  The acts, the place, the people involved, the words we and they speak, the picture we develop of the temporal aspects of church can become what we identify with and can become our identity in that which is not God but rather a reflection or a temporal facet of God.

Specifically, events unfold without our understanding, in which one may be no longer physically or otherwise able to participate in what had become one's identity.  This is a death of huge proportions dependent upon how strongly one has developed one's identity with the church in temporal aspects and thoughts and images and actions, as opposed to the total stripping that occurs when one is caused to no longer have that identity but rather to develop identity in God alone.

Hard to fathom this unless one finds oneself in the actual situation of no church identity, no aspect remaining of identity with the temporal aspects of church--all sacraments thus received spiritually and not tangibly until perhaps viaticum if the end is predictable.  But to actually be in such situation, with all identity with church stripped, one turns to God and pleads for a new identity, identity in God, in the Holy Trinity.

The details of what has transpired are left out.  It continues to be so bizarre that the closest friends agree that it may not be worth the financial and physical risk to subject body and mind to more injuries and dehumanization that now are becoming too costly in even a pragmatic reality.  What is left but to recognize that identity so easily becomes diluted to other than God alone but rather entwined in temporal catholic world issues, people, vocations, committees, activities, place, structures and rites.

Union in His Real Presence purely evolves to unequivocal, undiluted, undiminished identity in God alone.  When identity is tainted by other, even the reflections, God desires sole identity in His One.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Progressing in His Real Presence

Garden visitors this morning listened to part of the insights on His Real Presence.  Amidst touring this season's acquisitions of some Japanese Maples (Osakasuki, left) and various Ginkgo Biloba (dwarf and miniature cultivars) plus some unusual dwarf Fagus (beech) and Quercus Robur (English Truffle Oak), we covered a lot of territory.

Am not quite ready to write in depth, the insights during Mass regarding the immensity of His Real Presence--that His Real Presence is not only Jesus but also the Father and the Holy Spirit:  the Trinity.  All are One.  We have not His Real Presence in one Person without the other Persons: the Trinity.

But one way to expand the understanding and train the body, mind, heart and spirit to consider the beautiful facets of His Real Presence and with what various ways His Real Presence is made known to us, is to ponder all the Sacraments.  And the Living Word from the Mouth of God is a Sacrament, also.

Lately, nothing impresses within and without, the ever-present reality of His Real Presence by telling others, "God bless His Real Presence in you," when finishing a conversation, visit, email and even while leaving the confessional.  Causing pause to reflect, in some situations, this reminder can also create conversation on the topic of His Real Presence.  That can lead to discussion of His Real Presence fully in Mass, as all the Sacraments are in the Mass, and angels and saints present reflect the pure light of His Real Presence in all aspects of Mass--His Real Presence being in actuality each Person: the Holy Trinity.

There is more, but this is enough for now.  This is the kernel of the insights.  Discussion detailing some aspects in our daily lives, in the Mass, in how we may be fragmenting Christ, is for another time.

Today there is progress not only in fermentation of realities but also in using the right shoulder, pruning and watering after the garden guests departed with a Japanese Anemone start in a pot, a Fragrant Cloud rose, and a bottle of Herbal Vinegar--gifts from sweet Agnus Dei's garden.

In less than two days nothing meets with the spiritual director.  He continues to focus on wanting to get the priests to give nothing Holy Communion (the tangible form).  Since he is retired, it is not so easy for him to order them in obedience, such as to give me Communion after Mass, after am roused from the state.  The situation is complicated due to the issues surrounding their thoughts and feelings regarding what happens.  These are just some of the harsh realities of having some unexpected mystical experience enter into one's temporal existence, publicly.  The painful aspects defy decorum.

Pray that God help the spiritual director grasp that Holy Communion is being received, very much so, within the Mass, within the profound yet critically misunderstood, mystical state.  Only the spiritual director and Dr. H., adult children and a few long-time friends, know in certainty that this is not something this nothing could possibly bring on.  If anything, the fall in the chapel and ensuing painful rotator cuff surgery convinced the spiritual director who has been discerning for some time.  Of course, family and friends knew that nothing's deepest psyche would never allow a fall considering falling has been the greatest fear since the rods and fusion in the back, years ago.  Now such pain!

To have the spiritual director grasp the insights during Mass about His Real Presence and the fullness of Mass, of not fragmenting Christ, of the very point of nothing not being able to receive the tangible Host during Mass for the point, the sign, the reminder of the fullness of Mass and His Real Presence--to be elevated in reverence in all the Sacraments.  Again--too much now to delve.

Pray that he understand, but if he can get the priests to give me the Host after Mass, then fine.  But truly, he misses the point.  May God lay it out clearly, somehow, in some way only God knows.  What is more critical to nothing is to personally and deeply revere and elevate His Real Presence in all the other Sacraments to the devotion and reverence and focus as has been for His Real Presence in the Eucharist.

See the subtle progression of deeper coloration in Acer Japonicum 'Osakasuki'?  Ever so slightly, moment by moment, the leaves darken and will become brilliant incarnadine with time.

Saturday, October 8, 2011


A friend dropped off a bag a week ago.  She is way into taking supplements.  This seems to be her passion, and most conversations return, sooner or later, to the passion of various means to improve bodily health via ingesting and hours of exercise.  There was nothing in the bag that is necessary or helpful.  Am blessed with the few vitamins and minerals that subtly help this body endure.  Eat properly and walk and work.

What about Jesus?  Why is not He enough?  Mentioned to my friend various saints who did not even eat properly, did not exercise, yet were healthy enough and lived to advanced years.  Padre Pio is one such example.  He sat in the confessional for hours daily.  My friend said he probably had a bad back.  No, or at least it is not mentioned in biographies.

We all have baggage.  After several conversations disclosing the passion for bodily health, it was easy to pinpoint the baggage and even photograph its temporal image.  But why dally in other people's baggage?  Why not discern one's own?  So it is that my baggage surfaces readily, and it is negativity.

Nothing cannot have baggage.  Thus, nothing returns to "I".  I have baggage, and it is negativity.  Negativity has developed like the lime ring in a toilet that collects bacteria and mold.  Negativity has hindered my spiritual reading and spiritual writing.  Negativity has filtered through my senses and subconscious from too many negative onslaughts and judgments, causing the psyche to withdraw, causing the mind and body to retreat from the negativity, all the while the negativity seeping in, foments and begins to taint the thoughts and emotions and threatens a loving spirit.

The trials have continued at Mass and surrounding parish and parishioners.  As a result of the spiritual direction that surely I could cooperate more and get this state, this ecstasy that occurs during Mass, to cease--by standing in the back during Mass--I fell.  The right shoulder was injured.  Being a rather calm type and bearing constant pain in other areas of the body, I hoped the shoulder would improve with time.  In the meantime, a parishioner assaulted me after a Mass, when I was yet in the state and unable to defend myself, open the eyes, move or speak.  The arm was shaken violently and lifted up above the head, shaking, shaking, shaking.  Someone made the person stop; suddenly the arm was let go and dropped full force, hitting the pew edge.

I'm now about three weeks on the other side of rotator cuff surgery.  To top it off, have been uninsurable for years due to other pain and major surgery, loss of career.  The diocese liability insurance is low at $5000.  A cold shoulder was turned when the costs obviously and quickly rose above that figure, not to mention no inquiry as to my well-being after the very painful surgery and long recovery process.

The spiritual director said he will see what he can do.  He said I am under a tremendous trial.  This whole ordeal seems unnecessary, for I had described what happens during Mass and that I'd tried everything other than what led to a painful injury.  But yet, perhaps it takes even more suffering, somehow, in the spiritual realm, to test one to the outer limits of faith and of commitment to the church...and to allow a spiritual director an inkling as to the reality of the mystical.  (Who knows if this director will grasp the impact and want to proceed?)

There is more. I could no longer carry in the wood folding chair which is necessary for the painful back, ever since the pews were padded.  I have not been able to sit on padding over a hard surface for years and years without ferocious spinal headache within hours, leveling me for a couple days.  It took an act of God before the rector would allow me to lug in and out the chair; he would not allow it to be stored in the chapel or to remain.  Said it "didn't look right."  But the shoulder could not carry it; I had to lay the body on the chapel floor, tucked behind a pew, on non-injured shoulder side.  My attorney had insisted, after the assault after Mass, that I get professional looking signs that read:  Do Not Disturb:  Meditating.  He said where to place them on the pews, and if anyone henceforth harmed me, a police report and/or arrest would be the appropriate action.  My attorney is a devout Catholic.  A sign also was placed on the chapel floor, by my head, as protection during weekday Chapel Masses.

The tremendous trial continues in all this.  The baggage of negativity became so heavy to bear, that family and friends--and some are Catholic--questioned my ever returning under such duress.  Admittedly, the pain and loneliness of the surgery and on-going recovery, not to mention the pain of the expense, had convinced me that it was time to remove myself permanently from the temporal Catholic world and allow the Lord to teach and lead me spiritually and fully in the mystical realm.  That may be His will.

The negative baggage must be rid out for good.  God is working on this as I've prayed for help and inner healing of damaged emotions.  The Catholic who is for the most part in charge of teaching RCIA had a heart-to-heart, telling me that I really needed to leave Catholicism due to how horribly I've been treated.  I said it may be that God wills me more out of the temporal, but I'll always be a Catholic at least that of the spiritual, of the mystical Catholic world.  And perhaps more so, it is of the mystical Christian realm.

Yet one night this past week, amidst an increasing amount of beautiful, spiritual, and healing dreams, I dreamed of speaking with someone, and the topic was the Mass.  In the dream I found tears coming to the eyes and then weeping, expressing deeply how much I love Mass.  I love Mass.  I love Mass.  I LOVE Mass.  Upon waking, I pondered that the only good baggage to have is love of God, and the Mass is the stairway to heaven, the union with God on earth, and that means a fullness of all sacraments of actual mystical reality expressed in the temporal in the Mass.

One can become one with God in the Mass.  It can veritably seem and become a reality that the Mass is in one and one is in the Mass.  But not with baggage.  Baggage gets in the way.  How can I humanly return under the trials and dehumanization that exists--unless the negative baggage is gone?

How to be rid of it?  My friend's bag is on the front porch needing to be removed by her.  I had considered trashing it--help her rid her baggage.  But no, one must rid self-identified baggage by one's own volition, through courage and strength and determined desire.  But I don't want other people's baggage inside my house where I see, stumble upon, and am distracted by it.  I have enough to deal with in my own bag.

When it is gone I may be able to return to Mass free and filled with God, impervious to any baggage even as insidious as negativity. Ridding this negativity will require a spiritual conversion of more God-is-Love, more steeped and united within His Love, remaining in His Love without notice or absorption of temporal and emotional negativity--this horrendous baggage. 

At this point am helpless but pray and ask God to remove it for me--and to try to return to Mass, to the chapel floor, arm in sling and sign posted.  I have tried in prayer for those who persecute, to love.  Yet after build up of too much pain and negativity, I had not intended to ever return...until the dream.  Yes, I do love Mass.  And what one loves--the union with God in Love, the fullness of His Real Presence in Mass, the stairway to heaven, the portal from the temporal to the mystical--one cannot depart from until the temporal body is no more.

I will know when the armor of God becomes impenetrable to negativity.  God is the only One Who can make all things new, rid out the baggage that I so desire to be removed.  Then I will be nothing again, blessed nothingness, without the temporal and spiritual hindrance of negative baggage.

There will be a test embedded within the very posting of this sharing.  Will I be I or nothing?  Has God answered my plea to rid out the baggage of negativity?  We shall find out soon enough.  Negativity abounds, and to be nothing requires no baggage within and the strength to lovingly carry a cross in union with Mystical Love.