Remaining in His Love, Some More

Very late spring here.  Very slow in being motivated to get out, take photos, work in gardens.  Very much frustration and anger being weeded.  Very deconditioned physically, and spiritually wearily waiting for answers to a prayer that perhaps God has already answered...but perhaps not convincingly for the spiritual director.  Or, perhaps the mind and heart needed to confront once again the temptations to do in the temporal more, and now to re-discover doors close on those matters.

Sweet Duchess Olivia and Princess "Ruth" of Christ's Royal Navy visited the hermitage yesterday.  Rather than being quiet and listening, so much poured out to the dear visitors.  Eventually, the topic turned to Baby Jesus, and observing the lovely young mother with her beautiful infant helped the focus all the more to what could be simply effected here.  Tend the gardens, clean the hermitage, cook the meals, play the harp, keep physically fit to care-take the Infant Christ, pray, and read about Jesus and followers down through the centuries.  Above all, consider Baby Jesus in all His aspects, human needs, Divine Persons, teachings, earthly life, death, and resurrected life. 

So what is so difficult about this short list?

The difficulty resides within.  There is something within that resents and feels anger and frustration in the very realities that have been prayed to be shown.  Not directly, but through many temporal aspects within the temporal Catholic world being revealed and removed, certainly God is answering prayers by elimination.  It is not God's fault, nor His Church's, nor the people in His Church.  

I prayed and asked for His will to be done, that I was willing, ready, and able to do whatever He wants of me in His Church, but just show me.  So He continues to show me that I am not going to be utilized in His Church.  Not in the temporal Catholic world ways, that is.  Not visibly, other than in being scrutinized and judged by some, and by others to be considered rather suspect, and by yet others to be observed awkwardly but with a rather fearful admiration.

Being on the edge, treated as something different, verging upon outcast, and of no account, causes some human reactions.  One reacts to being shut out by some and skirted about by others.  The ones who draw in tend to be the curious, or perhaps fringe folks who are fascinated somewhat.  These few must be discouraged due to unhealthy aspects.  

All in all, the experience of involvement in the parish has been pared down to Mass and confession.  And the only conscious awareness of these is the few steps walking in and out of the chapel, and the brief time every week or two in confession.  There is rare conversation in the parking lot; but when the rare occurs, it must remain helpful to others yet brief and fairly superficial.

The state at Mass continues, and no priest gives "nothing" communion after Mass, even though the head priest and a couple others know the spiritual director would like them to give the Host after Mass when "nothing" is alert once again.  Perhaps the head priest still thinks the elderly gentleman is doing this after Mass, but he had to be asked to not, for he became far too concerned and touchy and talking, not simply waiting until the one was alert enough to move, speak or receive.  The priests do not want to wait five minutes after Mass.  

The situation is rare, perhaps, or so the spiritual director says, as well as Dr. H.  But it is not unheard of, and yet perhaps that is the pinnacle of the persecution and the bulwark of the outcast status.  And the reason they are not allowing constructive or gift-utilizing involvement in parish or diocese efforts or work.  And, that is why nothing has frustration and anger, perhaps, or at least feels like the outcast, the shunned, the disenfranchised.  It seems as well that peoples' judgments be realized however they wish.  What matter to me?  

It is all over, all of that, and the temporal Catholic world all the more other people's world.  It is not my world, and God could have changed any of the circumstances along the way.  Yet this morning I prayed prior to Mass, reminding Him that He could have the situation change.  But He chose not, and it is restful, deeply restful, and much being worked out at deep, deeper, deepest levels.

He must need to isolate out the soul.  It must surely be as He knows best; and it is quite effective in pruning, even lopping off, that which He does not desire of the one being pruned.

But the anger and frustration remain, and it all seems unfair somehow, or silly, or unnecessary.  Yes, unnecessary.  But yet, what would I know of these matters?  I have not yet read in books that the souls with strange situations experienced frustration, anger, resentment.  It seems they reportedly handled it all very peacefully, forgivingly, placidly, and filled with saintly love.

Remaining in His love has not at all exhibited the same "high" as four months ago and before.  Yet, His love remains, whether or not it is "felt" or "seen" in effects or affect.  One knows His love remains because His love remains.  That is fact, reality and truth.  The anger, frustration and resentment are not His, yet His love remains, and one remains in His love some more, not less, some how.