The spiritual director recently suggested, more pointedly, that we get rid of this thing. Of course, nothing had tried various ways to have it stop. The state persists. Tried other parishes, self-inflicted pain, forcing alertness, putting the mind to other than Mass, staying away awhile. Beseech the Lord; tell Him the priests and the spiritual director and nothing all want this to be lifted. Prayer has been tried many times, over and over, before Mass, during the night, by others and by nothing.
This time he gave stronger directive. Ask Jesus to lift this so that you can participate normally in Mass and receive Communion under normal circumstances. This is my direction. Reminding the spiritual director of on-going prayer for this same end has resulted in nothing changed other than sometimes deeper states. Remember when this was prayed last summer, even telling Jesus that the director orders this? The Lord simply said, "This is how I am loving you!"--and the situation continued at every Mass in varying degrees of profundity and depth.
Dr. H. was consulted. He told nothing that no matter what is asked, no matter what happens to the body, God will take care of nothing. If a heart attack and death, what better place to die than in church and with the soul in that beautiful state?
But after the director insisting that surely nothing could stop this thing from within, to pray and to cooperate with God...surely it would lift, nothing prayed for courage to do simply what the dear spiritual director requested and suggested. Nothing somehow found itself praying for the intercessions of St. Joseph of Cupertino. Not sure why, but he came to mind. Courage! Obedience!
It is not fun to be misunderstood, maligned, helpless to alter or control what happens to the body. To think, also, that the director did not believe or trust--but that was not the case. He apologized deeply, and said we will not try anything else other than to pray for God's will. But yes, he said it is difficult to understand this thing.
These things have nothing to do with the person. Nothing is wretched, a sinner, nothing special, not exemplary in most aspects. These things God determines for His own uses and designs. It is rather random, from the human standpoint; luck of the draw, perhaps--although we can see now that these matters are not fun-and-games.
However, there is a point, a message, that nothing has heard deep within, told in some dimension of bliss and love. It is that the mystery of God, the mystical realm, the spiritual realities, are all around us, among us, now. And the temporal is always passing away. The mystical realm is our home for all eternity, and it exists in Christ among us in the present moments of life. This thing during Mass is but a reminder, a sign of the supernatural reality of Christ in our midst, the power of the Word of God, and the glory of the Sacrifice of the Mass.
And one must always be obedient, even unto death.