Identity in His Real Presence

Am at a point now of being asked to have my identity in His Real Presence (the Trinity, the Three Persons as One).  This means identity in the Trinity--in All God--and not in anything else, such as my identity in the church.

By this, one means the temporal aspects of church in which it is far too easy to develop our identity within the activities, even in attendance in Mass and participation in confession.  The acts, the place, the people involved, the words we and they speak, the picture we develop of the temporal aspects of church can become what we identify with and can become our identity in that which is not God but rather a reflection or a temporal facet of God.

Specifically, events unfold without our understanding, in which one may be no longer physically or otherwise able to participate in what had become one's identity.  This is a death of huge proportions dependent upon how strongly one has developed one's identity with the church in temporal aspects and thoughts and images and actions, as opposed to the total stripping that occurs when one is caused to no longer have that identity but rather to develop identity in God alone.

Hard to fathom this unless one finds oneself in the actual situation of no church identity, no aspect remaining of identity with the temporal aspects of church--all sacraments thus received spiritually and not tangibly until perhaps viaticum if the end is predictable.  But to actually be in such situation, with all identity with church stripped, one turns to God and pleads for a new identity, identity in God, in the Holy Trinity.

The details of what has transpired are left out.  It continues to be so bizarre that the closest friends agree that it may not be worth the financial and physical risk to subject body and mind to more injuries and dehumanization that now are becoming too costly in even a pragmatic reality.  What is left but to recognize that identity so easily becomes diluted to other than God alone but rather entwined in temporal catholic world issues, people, vocations, committees, activities, place, structures and rites.

Union in His Real Presence purely evolves to unequivocal, undiluted, undiminished identity in God alone.  When identity is tainted by other, even the reflections, God desires sole identity in His One.

Progressing in His Real Presence

Garden visitors this morning listened to part of the insights on His Real Presence.  Amidst touring this season's acquisitions of some Japanese Maples (Osakasuki, left) and various Ginkgo Biloba (dwarf and miniature cultivars) plus some unusual dwarf Fagus (beech) and Quercus Robur (English Truffle Oak), we covered a lot of territory.

Am not quite ready to write in depth, the insights during Mass regarding the immensity of His Real Presence--that His Real Presence is not only Jesus but also the Father and the Holy Spirit:  the Trinity.  All are One.  We have not His Real Presence in one Person without the other Persons: the Trinity.

But one way to expand the understanding and train the body, mind, heart and spirit to consider the beautiful facets of His Real Presence and with what various ways His Real Presence is made known to us, is to ponder all the Sacraments.  And the Living Word from the Mouth of God is a Sacrament, also.

Lately, nothing impresses within and without, the ever-present reality of His Real Presence by telling others, "God bless His Real Presence in you," when finishing a conversation, visit, email and even while leaving the confessional.  Causing pause to reflect, in some situations, this reminder can also create conversation on the topic of His Real Presence.  That can lead to discussion of His Real Presence fully in Mass, as all the Sacraments are in the Mass, and angels and saints present reflect the pure light of His Real Presence in all aspects of Mass--His Real Presence being in actuality each Person: the Holy Trinity.

There is more, but this is enough for now.  This is the kernel of the insights.  Discussion detailing some aspects in our daily lives, in the Mass, in how we may be fragmenting Christ, is for another time.

Today there is progress not only in fermentation of realities but also in using the right shoulder, pruning and watering after the garden guests departed with a Japanese Anemone start in a pot, a Fragrant Cloud rose, and a bottle of Herbal Vinegar--gifts from sweet Agnus Dei's garden.

In less than two days nothing meets with the spiritual director.  He continues to focus on wanting to get the priests to give nothing Holy Communion (the tangible form).  Since he is retired, it is not so easy for him to order them in obedience, such as to give me Communion after Mass, after am roused from the state.  The situation is complicated due to the issues surrounding their thoughts and feelings regarding what happens.  These are just some of the harsh realities of having some unexpected mystical experience enter into one's temporal existence, publicly.  The painful aspects defy decorum.

Pray that God help the spiritual director grasp that Holy Communion is being received, very much so, within the Mass, within the profound yet critically misunderstood, mystical state.  Only the spiritual director and Dr. H., adult children and a few long-time friends, know in certainty that this is not something this nothing could possibly bring on.  If anything, the fall in the chapel and ensuing painful rotator cuff surgery convinced the spiritual director who has been discerning for some time.  Of course, family and friends knew that nothing's deepest psyche would never allow a fall considering falling has been the greatest fear since the rods and fusion in the back, years ago.  Now such pain!

To have the spiritual director grasp the insights during Mass about His Real Presence and the fullness of Mass, of not fragmenting Christ, of the very point of nothing not being able to receive the tangible Host during Mass for the point, the sign, the reminder of the fullness of Mass and His Real Presence--to be elevated in reverence in all the Sacraments.  Again--too much now to delve.

Pray that he understand, but if he can get the priests to give me the Host after Mass, then fine.  But truly, he misses the point.  May God lay it out clearly, somehow, in some way only God knows.  What is more critical to nothing is to personally and deeply revere and elevate His Real Presence in all the other Sacraments to the devotion and reverence and focus as has been for His Real Presence in the Eucharist.

See the subtle progression of deeper coloration in Acer Japonicum 'Osakasuki'?  Ever so slightly, moment by moment, the leaves darken and will become brilliant incarnadine with time.

Baggage

A friend dropped off a bag a week ago.  She is way into taking supplements.  This seems to be her passion, and most conversations return, sooner or later, to the passion of various means to improve bodily health via ingesting and hours of exercise.  There was nothing in the bag that is necessary or helpful.  Am blessed with the few vitamins and minerals that subtly help this body endure.  Eat properly and walk and work.

What about Jesus?  Why is not He enough?  Mentioned to my friend various saints who did not even eat properly, did not exercise, yet were healthy enough and lived to advanced years.  Padre Pio is one such example.  He sat in the confessional for hours daily.  My friend said he probably had a bad back.  No, or at least it is not mentioned in biographies.

We all have baggage.  After several conversations disclosing the passion for bodily health, it was easy to pinpoint the baggage and even photograph its temporal image.  But why dally in other people's baggage?  Why not discern one's own?  So it is that my baggage surfaces readily, and it is negativity.

Nothing cannot have baggage.  Thus, nothing returns to "I".  I have baggage, and it is negativity.  Negativity has developed like the lime ring in a toilet that collects bacteria and mold.  Negativity has hindered my spiritual reading and spiritual writing.  Negativity has filtered through my senses and subconscious from too many negative onslaughts and judgments, causing the psyche to withdraw, causing the mind and body to retreat from the negativity, all the while the negativity seeping in, foments and begins to taint the thoughts and emotions and threatens a loving spirit.


The trials have continued at Mass and surrounding parish and parishioners.  As a result of the spiritual direction that surely I could cooperate more and get this state, this ecstasy that occurs during Mass, to cease--by standing in the back during Mass--I fell.  The right shoulder was injured.  Being a rather calm type and bearing constant pain in other areas of the body, I hoped the shoulder would improve with time.  In the meantime, a parishioner assaulted me after a Mass, when I was yet in the state and unable to defend myself, open the eyes, move or speak.  The arm was shaken violently and lifted up above the head, shaking, shaking, shaking.  Someone made the person stop; suddenly the arm was let go and dropped full force, hitting the pew edge.

I'm now about three weeks on the other side of rotator cuff surgery.  To top it off, have been uninsurable for years due to other pain and major surgery, loss of career.  The diocese liability insurance is low at $5000.  A cold shoulder was turned when the costs obviously and quickly rose above that figure, not to mention no inquiry as to my well-being after the very painful surgery and long recovery process.


The spiritual director said he will see what he can do.  He said I am under a tremendous trial.  This whole ordeal seems unnecessary, for I had described what happens during Mass and that I'd tried everything other than what led to a painful injury.  But yet, perhaps it takes even more suffering, somehow, in the spiritual realm, to test one to the outer limits of faith and of commitment to the church...and to allow a spiritual director an inkling as to the reality of the mystical.  (Who knows if this director will grasp the impact and want to proceed?)

There is more. I could no longer carry in the wood folding chair which is necessary for the painful back, ever since the pews were padded.  I have not been able to sit on padding over a hard surface for years and years without ferocious spinal headache within hours, leveling me for a couple days.  It took an act of God before the rector would allow me to lug in and out the chair; he would not allow it to be stored in the chapel or to remain.  Said it "didn't look right."  But the shoulder could not carry it; I had to lay the body on the chapel floor, tucked behind a pew, on non-injured shoulder side.  My attorney had insisted, after the assault after Mass, that I get professional looking signs that read:  Do Not Disturb:  Meditating.  He said where to place them on the pews, and if anyone henceforth harmed me, a police report and/or arrest would be the appropriate action.  My attorney is a devout Catholic.  A sign also was placed on the chapel floor, by my head, as protection during weekday Chapel Masses.

The tremendous trial continues in all this.  The baggage of negativity became so heavy to bear, that family and friends--and some are Catholic--questioned my ever returning under such duress.  Admittedly, the pain and loneliness of the surgery and on-going recovery, not to mention the pain of the expense, had convinced me that it was time to remove myself permanently from the temporal Catholic world and allow the Lord to teach and lead me spiritually and fully in the mystical realm.  That may be His will.

The negative baggage must be rid out for good.  God is working on this as I've prayed for help and inner healing of damaged emotions.  The Catholic who is for the most part in charge of teaching RCIA had a heart-to-heart, telling me that I really needed to leave Catholicism due to how horribly I've been treated.  I said it may be that God wills me more out of the temporal, but I'll always be a Catholic at least that of the spiritual, of the mystical Catholic world.  And perhaps more so, it is of the mystical Christian realm.


Yet one night this past week, amidst an increasing amount of beautiful, spiritual, and healing dreams, I dreamed of speaking with someone, and the topic was the Mass.  In the dream I found tears coming to the eyes and then weeping, expressing deeply how much I love Mass.  I love Mass.  I love Mass.  I LOVE Mass.  Upon waking, I pondered that the only good baggage to have is love of God, and the Mass is the stairway to heaven, the union with God on earth, and that means a fullness of all sacraments of actual mystical reality expressed in the temporal in the Mass.

One can become one with God in the Mass.  It can veritably seem and become a reality that the Mass is in one and one is in the Mass.  But not with baggage.  Baggage gets in the way.  How can I humanly return under the trials and dehumanization that exists--unless the negative baggage is gone?

How to be rid of it?  My friend's bag is on the front porch needing to be removed by her.  I had considered trashing it--help her rid her baggage.  But no, one must rid self-identified baggage by one's own volition, through courage and strength and determined desire.  But I don't want other people's baggage inside my house where I see, stumble upon, and am distracted by it.  I have enough to deal with in my own bag.

When it is gone I may be able to return to Mass free and filled with God, impervious to any baggage even as insidious as negativity. Ridding this negativity will require a spiritual conversion of more God-is-Love, more steeped and united within His Love, remaining in His Love without notice or absorption of temporal and emotional negativity--this horrendous baggage. 

At this point am helpless but pray and ask God to remove it for me--and to try to return to Mass, to the chapel floor, arm in sling and sign posted.  I have tried in prayer for those who persecute, to love.  Yet after build up of too much pain and negativity, I had not intended to ever return...until the dream.  Yes, I do love Mass.  And what one loves--the union with God in Love, the fullness of His Real Presence in Mass, the stairway to heaven, the portal from the temporal to the mystical--one cannot depart from until the temporal body is no more.

I will know when the armor of God becomes impenetrable to negativity.  God is the only One Who can make all things new, rid out the baggage that I so desire to be removed.  Then I will be nothing again, blessed nothingness, without the temporal and spiritual hindrance of negative baggage.


There will be a test embedded within the very posting of this sharing.  Will I be I or nothing?  Has God answered my plea to rid out the baggage of negativity?  We shall find out soon enough.  Negativity abounds, and to be nothing requires no baggage within and the strength to lovingly carry a cross in union with Mystical Love. 

Still Breathing

Have not written in quite awhile.  Working through soul matters and making life changes, from within.  Plus, the heat and drought have kept the body busy with hooking up soaker hoses, switching rotations so that the gardens can be kept alive as best as possible.  

Some Eastern European conifers could not cope with the above ground heat, so there have been losses.  However, the heat has not been like the past four years, ever before, and who would know that the climate would shift in summer here?

We take what we get.  Some interests and passions have great risks while others do not.  Even the spiritual life, the passion for God, has its risks in temporal effects, that is for sure.  St. Paul says something about that in his epistles.  But the main change within to without is that of removing myself from negativity, as much as is possible.  Removing from unnecessary abuse and rudeness is possible in many regards.

Someone wrote he or she did not comprehend the spiritual state during Mass, and that is not unusual, as my spiritual director has asked me, at least six out of the twelve months we've met, to describe it.  So it has been described, explained, and insights shared from it.  Dr. H. probably got it the closest: in our time, people, especially maybe Catholics in many ways, are less spiritual than 100 years ago.  He reminded me that many if not most are there on Sunday out of obligation, glancing at their watches and minds far away on other matters.

Have faced self, directly, firmly, and admit why I've made time-cost expenditures: when, for what, and mostly for naught.  It has to do with the rudeness, rejections, the disallowing, the ill treatment.  Then would relieve the pain by purchasing "beauty" to plant, or buy another book, or be in bed ill with pain and upset. 'Twas the reaction and effect of negativity, purveying for the past 16 years.  

Even though the devil is behind it--behind the people and situations--the devil is also behind my reactions.  No more purchases as reaction to abuse and negativity.  Am removing myself from negativity other than weekly obligation, and living more and more the hermit life of historic tradition.  Closeness to God is for the asking, and the remaining in His Love.  

Have had amazing and deep insights regarding why the ecstasies happen from Mass beginning through postlude music, and yet have shared little.  One priest was not interested in even listening a few minutes; another did not respond when sent insights via email.  A couple friends listened.  Another who runs RCIA and many other parish tasks said her life is fulfilled with Mass weekly and confession yearly, and this did not affect her being a leader in spiritual matters of the parish.  Okay.

Then another priest did grasp, and yet is working on the mind being opened, the spirit encompassing the fullness of the insights and the entirety of His Real Presence, not His Real Presence being fragmented.  Well, there is much that I've written on these matters, but not here, and will not.  For I am removing myself from rudeness and negativity, and even the ones who read what is written seem to troll for writing material in which to then have subject matter to detract.

Am praying, pondering, reflecting, listening, waiting, writing but not yet sharing, and making necessary changes in my mind, heart and spirit--and all that does affect the body.  Might share the insights with the spiritual director, or not.  Will see what he wants to discuss.  Perhaps he will ask of matters, and yes, nothing has in some ways embraced less than nothing.

God bless His Real Presence in you, through His Living Word and all His Sacraments!

The Lord Sustains

Am still here, and have much to share and write regarding the Mass and other aspects of living in Christ, remaining in His Love.  However, have had to deal with some earthly tasks: garden efforts, watering in drought conditions, physical suffering, injury from someone who evidently thought I was rude during Mass, causing bodily harm, and a judge giving an emergency protective order for the ongoing issues with the neighbors who also now did property damage (not that the daily verbal abuse and threats were not enough).

Have been thinking of St. Seraphim the Sarov who was beaten badly by robbers when he was out in his hut in the woods.  That was the end of his being able to live a hermit life of solitude and was recalled to the monastery where he lived in isolation in his cell, as best he could until people demanded his presence and discussion.

That is not "nothing's" plight, of course.  Am here, and must take the situation as it is.  The hand is not broken but injured, healing slowly.  Attorney stepped in and advised, and now nothing has two signs worded as instructed, so hopefully at Mass no one will do an assault as was done two weeks ago when nothing could not defend itself.  Two parishioners did step in and with effort made the person stop hurting nothing.  Strange what some people do when they think someone is not doing as one ought during Mass.  Even those who have been concerned, thinking nothing has had a stroke or is dead, do bizarre things that one ought not do to someone who might be dead or seriously ill! Pinching to the bone?  Shoving?  Grabbing the hair at nape of neck and flopping the head back and forth? Shaking the tarnation out of the person.  Raising the arm up high, then just letting it drop to hit the pew full force?  Yanking the arm?  Wrenching a shoulder as a person comes back from Communion, thinking nothing is being rude, appearing to be asleep and motionless?  Banging the kneeler hard, shaking the pew, tickling nothing?  So it goes.

Thankfully the deputy and his sergeant are intent on making the neighbors stop the incessant harassment and threats.  A plainclothes detective and a uniformed commander served them with the protective order.  Other than one incident of the adult son intimidating and spitting, last Sunday, they have been on good behavior.  Praise God!  Pray for all souls and all peoples on earth!

We live in bizarre times of crude behaviors and people not thinking anything of stalking and threatening others.  We live in times of relatively low spiritual awareness, considering people in worship, in a place of worship, would just minutes after receiving the Body and Blood of Christ, then assault a person in the handicap pew.  Yes, the attorney said this is assault, but they will not be arrested unless the same person does it twice.  And the diocese is paying for medical treatment of any injuries now and in future.  The signs now posted, will help, however.

In all these matters and more, the spiritual insights are plentiful and beautiful, and at some point when the manual labor is managed, the gardens watered and we have some rain, nothing hopes to write about the insights given regarding the Mass.

God bless anyone reading this, and thanks for prayers for our world.  All peace on earth!  All PEACE on EARTH!  Pray for those who persecute, and pray with Jesus:  Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.  And for ourselves:  Father, forgive us for often enough we know not what we do, and help us to know what we do and to do what is right and true, always.

Nothing has been amazed how God teaches us much about the world, and uses the means of the world at times to bring about good.  Never realized how a protective order and legalities could be so very effective in helping others stop their negative behavior.  Hopefully, their lives will improve since they cannot keep up the ugliness without some temporal arrests and jail time, plus fines.

More Prayer, and Remain in His Love!

The s.d. said that nothing must endure the state during Mass as long as it lasts, as there is nothing to do about it but pray and endure.  Of course, it is quite secondary to the call for all of us:  Remain in His Love!

Jesus loves us.  He wants us to be close to Him, to unite with Him.  That is the simple truth and basic instruction and goal.  To do this, we must love Jesus more than anything else, especially our own selves.

But I hope any readers of these recent posts understand that mystical phenomenon carry with them many crosses not just brought on by others but also within the recipient, for there are many doubts and senses of unworthiness, plus questions and wondering if one is not getting the message, or is not doing something more or other that the Lord desires.

It estranges some people for various reasons, and in others it makes no difference as to helping inspire, and that is painful. 

So it is best to remain focused on loving Christ and on remaining in His love, and in enduring whatever numinous events or none, with equanimity of spirit and praying for humility which comes along with mystical phenomenon.  It is all quite humbling--those crosses.

I don't feel as if there is anything more that can be written about such matters at this point.  Just know that they are not "fun" and carry with them (if they happen in public) lots of trials and upsets.  Think of Jesus, how it really was for Him, dragging that cross through the crowds jeering and cheering and a very few weeping.  He was marked, and nothing was going to change people's views other than his death and resurrection.

For us imperfect humans, nothing will change people's views other than our deaths and any ways in which the Holy Spirit might change their hearts to Him, never to the person who is simply a temporal medium of whatever spiritual message.

Just know that there is a painful reality to such things.

Present Moments Not Including Writing!

Well, spiritual correspondence has been taking time lately.  People have ideas, questions, and issues to write about that deserve responses.  Plus, there is e-alogue that occurs on specific spiritual topics.

However, between the heat wave, then two little ones visiting for a weekend, then mega-garden workout--nothing has been very busy.

But there is a prayer request that has been asked of some friends--just two or three including family.  If the ecstasy during every Mass, going on for nearly three years, is to be a sign and message of the power of the Living Word of Christ Present in His Word, and the Sacrifice also very powerful, and His mystical presence to be more recognized by us souls who go to Mass (and I suppose by anyone who believes in Jesus Christ), then it seems the message or sign is not getting through. 

Of course, only God knows if it is getting through in some subconscious or supernatural way.  But the outer reactions over time, particularly with some including some clerics, makes one wonder!  So have been praying to God that if I am in the wrong location, let me know where He wills me to go; if this is a gift for me--so refreshing and profound, Mass after Mass--then thanks, but shouldn't it be for others more than me?

I am to pray for whatever God wills, and that He use it for souls, for priests and for the Church.  I do pray that, but I will need great faith to accept that somehow it is having effect even though it seems more the opposite.  This is nothing to do with the person but is simply a message, a reminder, a sign.

Anyway, that is what I'm pondering and praying.  Little bits of reading at night, usually worn out from manual labor and other responsibilities of maintenance, a holy hour, prayers, and present moment encounters--picking up with Elisabeth of Schonau once again.  Have been reading it in pieces for a couple months.  This week read about her ecstasies/trances/altered states; the author, a prof from U of Vermont, utilizes three terms for them.  Says they occurred in the Mass setting and on rare occasion during community reading of Divine Office prayers.  Regardless, Elisabeth of Schonau is most helpful, and I'm thankful for these people who endured and lived lives that caused them much suffering and persecution.

A friend today said that "they" always tell people who have different encounters of a mystical nature to not ever talk about them nor to write, other than if told to and in a personal journal.  The friend's husband asked, "Who is 'they'?"  A good question, that.  But I interjected that yes, often these people would be sequestered off in a dank cell, and subjected to all kinds of scrutiny.  The husband also pointed out that if none of them were supposed to talk or write, then how is it we have books to read today that describe what they endured and for what purposes for the good of souls?

So, we do have their encounters in writing, often from others who observed, or directors who wrote, or several friends and often the persons themselves.  It does seem that the issue over not being able to receive Communion during Mass due to the ecstasy is a huge stumbling block to clerics and even hard for the s.d. to grasp.  It came to me when reading of Elisabeth's having these during Mass, also, that it has only been since Pope Pius the Tenth that we have had frequent Communion.  In Elisabeth's time it was once a year usually--the Easter duty.  No doubt that is why now it seems so very hard for others to comprehend that Communion can be in another form, of a deep and profoundly spiritual reality, all the same.

Nothing is being rather open.  The friend asked, "Don't you want to be a saint?"  Nothing admitted only wanting to love God and do His will.  No, I don't care to be a saint--at least the kind that we have so many of already, at great cost and effort, from every century and continent and culture and status.  The old ones are fine with me; don't need current ones to keep me Catholic or striving to love God and others.

My thought now is that some perhaps are dotted about who need to study and learn about such matters as other people may have numinous events and no one seems to be able to grasp or deal with such.  It is bound to happen in one form or another in a soul's journey in this life, striving to remain in His love and live in Christ in the present moments.

Teresa of Avila's states ceased after her soul was purified.  Then she says that she lived in that state but could move her limbs and function--all the while in the peace and bliss and love of union.  Yes, she was then in Christ yet doing her work on earth.  Nothing has wondered if and when this thing will stop.  Have prayed for it to stop many times over for the past nearly three years, on my own and also as directed in the past year.  But to be purified--this is a hard nut God would have to crack--my soul.