Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Rain and chill today; yesterday saw first of yellow crocuses.
The spiritual director suggests that Jesus wants to draw me closer to Himself, and that I must not be afraid of this. Also, he said that the Lord wants me to realize how much He loves me. For Lent, to ponder these things, to allow Jesus to draw me yet closer, and to pray for the Church and those who have left...that they will return.
This Lent is physically better than last year when the body and spirit were in collapse. It nearly happened again, but have removed body and soul from encounters with one who is not comfortable with the spiritual. The two dimensions were not jiving. Yet am praying very much for the person and hope he is praying for me.
As for other aspects, there is an inner-outer struggle of attempting an idea venture. This has taken some time and effort, and is a little creative outlet, but the interface with more of the temporal world is not providing the inner peace. Am not sure if it is due to my not having been much in the temporal, and if God would like my exposure to pray for specific issues of specific persons through social media. However, the interface with the world through the idea venture has not garnered success thus far in a tangible sense. Rather, there is an unrest and uneasiness at times with more difficulty focusing on the spiritual, or so it seems.
Perhaps this is the view from the stairway back into the world, and little excursions into that view stirs the memory as well as thoughts of returning, yet without any sense of inner delight. The body, mind, heart and spirit are all the more aware that the other is not here, not now, and this is not able to succeed or find lasting purpose in that.
The reality of more temporal hurdles in order for temporal to succeed, plus more expenditure of time, bodily energy and resources, deflates that earlier enthusiasm. Yes, it could be of interest to people if the spiritual was removed; this is the consensus, it seems from those out there in the temporal. But the spiritual is the all, so even little mystical wisps escape in any endeavor, hoping to entice any souls to God and the reality of His All.
One beautiful aspect of having attempted stepping out there in order to hopefully draw in from out, is the reality that I can remain on the stairway, or at least to return from descent, anew, with insights that the other out there is uncomfortable except in short forays, and those better off reduced.
But how does God wish to utilize the spiritual gifts? The spiritual director and I are praying, asking Him. Is there something other than a life of contemplation and prayer? The heart is willing.